Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Its too late to apologize

As the song goes...but its NEVER too late to apologize! Especially to those you love. So why when we argue with our mates, those we love the most, do we find it so difficult to say "I'm sorry"?

Saying "I'm sorry" isn't about admitting you are wrong or accepting responsibility for something you didn't do. It can be a way of simplying express that you don't want to fight or argue and that you love and value your mate enough to let an issue go.

When you apologize it has to be sincere! Don't make it a big deal. "Now, I apologized! So get over it" - not gonna work. So if you don't mean it or not at a place yet where you can offer a sincere apology, say that. At least be honest..."I am not at place yet where I can offer you a sincere apology. I want to move on. But I love and respect you to much to simply pacify you. Give me some time to process what you are saying."

If you have a problem saying the WORDS, you can also say I'm sorry in other ways. First being, by changing the behavior that caused the argument. Say it with flowers, whisper it in your mates ear during an embrace or slow dance or write a note. Think about things your mate enjoys and incorporate that into your apology.

Avoid arguing over who started it first! Its pointless and will set you two steps back verses moving the issue forward. Be certain you are genuinely sorry when you offer an apology. Otherwise, the issue will continue to resurface in the relationship.

Ever recall a time when you were arguing, then fighting, then it escalates to not speaking...and you don't know when or how you got to that place? And deep inside you want nothing more to just move on and have great make up "you know what"? Thinking about that time, I bet there was a moment somewhere way back in the early argument phase, had someone simply apologized or said "I'm sorry", it wouldn't have escalated to the point of co-existing in silence...

How do you say "I'm sorry"? And when you do, it never hurts to put a little "spice" on it either!


Anonymous said...

This is so good. I can really relate to this post because i have
am in a situation now when me and my husband aren't really speaking. And its so true if someone just said sorry long time ago, it would have never got that bad.
But when you're mad you forget whats really important.

Anonymous said...

I agree, its not what you say its how you say it. I am not big on saying "I am sorry"... I didn't grow up saying it and my wife knows that. So I try to be creative too. She knows that I have problems saying the words, but knows what I am doing comes from the heart and she accepts me for me.

Spicy Wifey said...

We have all been there. Sometimes its hard to say "I am sorry" to the ones we love most, because the emotion wrapped up in the issue is so strong. The love, the passion is so strong that our feelings can be easily mis-directed as we get caught up in the emotion. (The, How could he say that? or How could she feel that way? etc...)

Skills that are critical to relationships do have to be learned, just like we have to learn other practical skills in life.

Communiation and listening to your mate is key. And love and acceptance make it easier to navigate those difficult times as well.

I have learned to be creative too in my apologies with my hubbie! Incorporating his personal likes and dislikes communicates I am willing to go the extra mile to convey my apology and he appreicates that.

Quin, Co-Founder

zero said...

This is so true I find it so difficult to apologize and for a long time would keep arguing with my husband until he says I'm right!This is so wrong not only was I pushing him away I was making a division between us where we could not discuss anything now we are in a situation where he has done something and he has apologized but I wont accept it.. Im not sure how to go about accepting it if I'm not over the situation so if anyone is awake please help!

Spicy Wifey said...

Yes, this can be tricky. I don't know what your husband has done. But my personal rule is if its not a deal breaker, move on. But not without speaking your truth about how you feel and discussing how to avoid the dilemma in the future. Accepting his apology doesn't mean you are accepting his behavior. Its OK to be clear on that position. Let him know that you resolve to accept his apology because you don't want to create division in the relationship. If he is sincere in his apology, forgive him. When you err in the relationship, you would want him to accept your sincere apology as well.

It sounds like you have grown in this area as it relates to apologizing in the relationship. And as with all things, apologies and forgiveness are works in progress for most couples.

I can tell you are trying!
Hang in there and I hope this helps.

Quin, Co-Founder

Anonymous said...

I saw the Wifey SOS on the Facebook page and rushed right over. I agree, if this isn't an abusive issue or something you would divorce over, let it go.
Why waste time being mad. It hurts you more than it hurts him. He has already said he's sorry and if you think he means it, drop the issue. I have been married for over 30 years, so I speak from experience.

Anonymous said...

I really dont like the phrase "Im sorry". Dont be sorry just dont do it again. However, an apology is the gateway to forgiveness. Its important to be able to say Im sorry in order to begin the healing process. And forgivenss is a major part of making a marriage work especially when you are not perfect yourself.
When dealing with issues in your marriage,we must learn how to forgive and even harder to forget. And trust me, it is possible!